Please read

It really annoys me when people head something with the words "please read."

You see it on adverts. On web banners. And on inter-office e-mails.

It drives me nuts. It's what people who can't write do when they find themselves frustrated by their own inadequacy. It's a cry of desperation from the illiterate, the poorly educated or the lazy.

It's best ignored.

If you want people to read, don't say "please read." Instead, if you want people to read, write well.

Simple as.

Watch this

I wear a professional diver's watch. It's got a stainless steel machined case, a heavy rubberised wristband, and a watertight screw-down crown. It's waterproof to 200 metres and will resist up to 20 bars of pressure.

I use it to time my cooking.

Somehow, the adventure man lifestyle continues to elude me.

Coast is the most

I would love to live on the coast.

It wouldn't matter what coast. I'd just like to walk out my front door and see the ocean (any ocean) crashing against the sand or the pebbles or the rocks or whatever.

There's something about the sound and sight of an ocean bashing up against a landmass that makes you want to get into some sort of boat or ship and set off for someplace or somewhere.

It's a spirit of adventure right on your doorstep.

Boeing Boeing

I'm scared witless of flying. Takeoff scares the hell out of me. Turbulence makes me fearful. And landing causes me cold sweats.

So I am very concerned about the aircraft I fly in. Which is why I will always fly in a Boeing and will, if possible, avoid an Airbus.

Boeing is a solid company, with a long history, with a military background, with a corporate culture created over years and years. Airbus, on the other hand, is a bogus company. It's a fake business created by a bunch of Eurocrats. It has no history. It has no culture. It's a make-work project for the EU.

You can see the difference in the aircraft both companies produce. The Boeing 747 Jumbo Jet is a beautiful thing. It is graceful and elegant and sweet and lovely and just one look makes you want to fly in her. The Airbus A380 Superjumbo, by contrast, is an ungainly, ugly, horrid looking monstrosity that inspires no romance whatsover.

Airbus planes are designed and built by office workers. Boeings are made by people who love to fly.

Where have we gone wrong

We used to build monuments.

We built bridges.

We built things that stood the test of time. Things that stood as a testament to the greatness of mankind.

And what do we build today?

Well we don't "build" anything.We "make" stuff.

But what crap do we make.

We make horrid little bits of rubbish. We make so-called smart phones that won't stand up to a drop on the pavement. We make crappy little boxes full of flat-pack rubbish furniture that won't last one house move. We build houses that will be lucky to exist past the lifetime of the current occupants. We make loads and loads of horrid rubbish.

We need to stop this. We need to stop making horrible little bits of wretched awful crap and start building things that will endure. Things that have a purpose.

We need a lot less Apple in our world and a lot more quality build.

Greek bust

I bought some Greek-style yogurt the other day.

It’s already been bailed out twice by French and German yogurt.

They say Portuguese and Spanish yogurt could be the next to go.

Come fly with me

I've just finished watching the first two episodes of the new TV drama Pan Am and my oh my isn't it a wretched piece of crap.

It's a silly, poorly written, badly acted, implausibly stupid piece of rubbish that makes Melrose Place look like Shakespeare. Even the casting is pathetic; twenty-something GQ model types playing senior 707 captains, for heaven's sake!

And it's a shame because the real Pan Am story is fascinating. I recently watched the BBC documentary Come Fly With Me: The story of Pan Am then, after viewing that, bought and read Robert Gandt's definitive history of the airline Skygods: The Fall of Pan Am.

After all that, I really feel that Pan Am was a great company, an innovator, pioneer, choose your own adjective. Pan Am brought us transoceanic travel. It brought us the jet age. And the jumbo jet.

There is no reason why Pan Am should not be flying today. For it to die was a sad and needless thing.

Even sadder is the fact that the vast majority of people will not remember Pan Am for what it was, but will forever see it as the backdrop to a horrid bit of TV rubbish.

Call me

I've recently discovered that if I don't talk on my mobile phone, my battery life is hugely increased.

It's really quite incredible. So long as I don't make or take calls, I can go days and days between chargings.

I reckon that if I go a step further and actually turn the phone off, I could probably go weeks without needing to plug it in.

I'll try it out and post the results.

Lazy days

I'm a lazy person. Of all the things that one can do in the world, my favourite thing to do is do nothing.

There's nothing I enjoy better than a good lie in. This, in a perfect world, would then be followed by lying in bed under the duvet watching TV or reading a book. There is nothing in the world that appeals to me more than staying in bed.

People don't understand this. People can't understand why someone who is single, has few responsibilties and a bit of cash in the bank doesn't want to spend his time jetting off to the four corners of the globe doing interesting, exciting and fascinating things. They can't understand that I'd rather just stay in bed curled up with a good book.

But I would.

I'm lazy. It's just the way I am.

Highly knowledgeable

Like everyone these days, I look up just about everything on Wikipedia. Despite its critics, I think it's one of the best things on the web.

I don't contribute. I don't edit. I don't even rate the pages. But I've noticed that on the section where readers are invited to rate the page there is now the option to tick a box which says "I am highly knowledgeable about this topic."

Now, as I said, I don't rate pages. But it occurred to me that this sort of "highly knowledgeable" tick box would be an absolutely wonderful thing to have in real life.

Imagine you're at a dinner party having a conversation about something you know a lot about with someone who clearly does not. How lovely it would be to raise your finger in a ticking motion, say "I am highly knowledgeable about this topic" and immediately win the argument. They would have to shut up. And everyone would move on to something more interesting.

The uses are endless. Let's say you're a world-famous economist. No need to waste time listening to some wanker droning on with his thoughts on the Eurozone bailout. Or you're the head of NASA and some twerp is claiming the moon landings were faked. No need to put up with that drivel. You simply tick the finger, invoke "I am highly knowledgeable about this topic" and be done with it.

In my own small way, I could use this sort of thing. I've been a professional writer for twenty years. I don't claim to be the best writer in the world, but after two decades I do know the basics. But I can not tell you how often I end up in arguments with people who simply will not accept that possessive apostrophes can not be placed anywhere you like, that infer does not mean imply and imply does not mean infer and that irregardless is not a word.

How wonderful it would be to have the power of "I am highly knowledgeable about this topic" as close as my fingertip.

In fact, if I'm ever given the chance to become a superhero, this is the super power I'd choose to have.

Kindle for me

I've just bought the new Kindle, the smaller, lighter, cheaper version of Amazon's popular e-reader.

As a reader, I like the fact that I can carry around dozens of books in a small package. I like the fact that, if I'm riding on a train, I can switch from one book to another. I don't have to choose, in the morning, what books to travel with. I can take my entire library with me wherever I go and make my selection en-route.

As a writer, I love the fact that I can publish directly to the reading public. I can offer my books at a low price that makes reading affordable but still gives me roughly what I'd make from the sale of a conventional paperback.

I like the sampling option, the idea that someone can go on the Amazon site, find a book that looks interesting and download 10% of the book for free. It's a great way to discover whether or not a book is for you.

Now I have to say that it doesn't quite replicate that warm, cosy feeling of curling up with a good book. But, on balance, I'd say that Kindle is good for writers and good for readers.

Click here to visit my Amazon author page.

Jeans machine

Everyone today is obsessed with success. But what is success? How do you spot it?

Shallow people measure success in money. These are the sort of people who think that the ability to buy a massive house, an expensive car and a pointlessly fast speedboat are the measure of success.

Then there are the hippies who think that living on a rural commune, knitting rugs, selling beads and living on ten grand a year constitute success.

I think they're both wrong. I believe that success in life is striking a balance between bringing in enough income to keep yourself well fed, clothed and sheltered and keeping the bank balance healthy enough to indulge in those little extras that make life worth living, but doing it all without becoming the sort of corporate drone who has long ago sold out to the man.

But how to measure such? How do you spot a success?

A Ferrari won't do it; only wankers drive supercars. And a tie-dye poncho is (unless you are actually a Mexican cowboy) the sure sign of a loser.

So here's what I figure. If you are a person who can hold down a good job at a decent salary and support yourself and your family while never wearing anything other than blue jeans, you are a success.

If you're not making a decent living you're a failure. And if you're making a decent living but your boss has the final word on what you wear to the office, you're not quite there either.

But if you can do what you do, get reasonably well paid for it and never wear anything but a pair of jeans --  well you, my friend, have got it made.

Flat Earth Society

There is a common belief that, a couple of hundred years ago, most people thought that the world was flat.

It's utter rubbish. Nobody ever thought that.

From the earliest days of ocean-going sailing, people have understood that the Earth was round. There are two reasons for this.

First of all, when out on the open ocean ,the curvature of the Earth is readily visible. The horizon is not flat. It curves. It's easy to see.

Secondly and more convincingly, when another ship comes over the horizon, the top of its masts are first visible. Then the lower parts of the mast are visible. Then the upper deck becomes visible. Then the lower decks. Then finally the waterline of the hull. This is consistent with a vessel approaching over a curved surface. Even the most ancient mariners understood this.

So the next time anyone suggests that "people used to think the Earth was flat" you can explain that no they never did.

Read my books

Two of my books are now available on Amazon. If you have a Kindle e-reader, you can purchase them at a very modest cost. And if you prefer to try before you buy, free samples are also available for download.

Click here to visit my Amazon author page.

Click here to read Deep Trouble, a light-hearted thriller in which Florida newspaper reporter turned private detective Rex Fowler finds himself mixed up with a con man, a crooked police chief and a cute cop, plus a murder to boot.

Click here to read The Hogwon Murders, a comic mystery in which Calvin Scott, the world's least successful freelance writer, finds himself in South Korea chasing a story, a pretty blonde and a killer, all at the same time.

Reviews on the Amazon site are most welcome.

Debt matters

This world financial crisis is really starting to piss me off.

Essentially it has all been caused by governments and individuals living for years on debt. Debt that they will never be able to repay. And now, the answer to this huge crisis is for central banks everywhere to lower interests rates close to 0% in order to stimulate the economy.

All of which means that people like me, people who live within their means and try to put aside a few pennies for a rainy day are getting screwed. Our savings now make little or no interest. And on top of that, all these low interest rates and governmental printing of money is causing rampant inflation that further erodes our savings.

Take this case in point. I just received a statement from an investment firm with whom I have a money market fund. On a total balance of £12,727.66 I have received a total after-tax yearly interest payment of ... get this: £2.20! Meanwhile the profligate and insensible receive bailout after bailout.

The good guys are getting screwed. And it's not right.

Jobs done

I have nothing against Steve Jobs.

I don't know him. I know nothing much about him. But I'm getting really sick of these over-the-top tributes to him that are appearing everywhere, both online and off.

I was in Montreal today and was walking along St Catherine Street when we passed the Apple store. The entire frontage was covered with messages posted by eager members of the Apple cult. Some sad soul had even placed an old iMac on the pavement with 'RIP' written on the screen.

I think this sort of thing is pathetic.

Steve Jobs was the CEO of a major tech firm. Good for him.

Then he died. Sad for him. Sad for his family and loved ones.

But for the rest of the world, it's no big deal. Certainly no reason to hold absurd candlelight vigils and post messages outside Apple stores and whatnot

He was just a businessman. He just sold gadgets.

It's not as if the Dalai Lama had died. People need to get a grip.

Fighting on telly

Are military shows becoming the new cooking programmes?

Cookery shows have dominated our screens for years. But now military documentaries seem to be taking over. During the past six months, they've popped up everywhere.

There are shows about officer cadets at Sandhurst, raw navy recruits, the history of the Paras, submarines on secret missions, naval officers training to be captains, and dozens and dozens of programmes showing what life is like on the front line in Afghanistan. Most of them are pretty good, but I can't figure out why they're suddenly everywhere and in such number.

I was watching a show the other day about a Royal Navy submarine. The show was unusual, according to the captain because, he said "we're the silent service. We don't usually talk about ourselves." But get this. It was the third time this year I've seen the "silent service" on prime-time TV. There was a show about the "Perisher" course for captains, a programme where Heston Blumenthal cooked food aboard a sub, and a five-episode series about a submarine on a mission. Not only that, but two of the three shows featured the same sub and that very same captain.

Now I think the military do a good job and it's a good thing for people to see what they do. But if cookery programmes are any indication, we may soon be saturated by military reality shows.

I really don't want to see MasterSquaddie, Ready Steady Fight or Ramsay's Air Force Nightmares.

There is no I in illiterate

A recruitment consultant that I follow on Twitter recently posted this tweet.

TOPTIP for designers and creative, consider how your CV looks! poor slapdash CV's are not good enough!! Your supposed to be creatives!

 Now I know it's just a tweet. I know it's not supposed to be carefully crafted and proofread and such. But this is absurd.

• Top tip is two words.
• Creative should be plural.
• Poor should be capitalised.
• It's CVs, not CV's.
• It should be you're not your.

To pack that much poor grammar into 140 characters takes some doing. And when you're talking to people who work in the communications business, it's not a good idea.

Condensation

Why do we have condensation?

Really, what is the point?

How annoying is it that anytime you have a glass filled with a cold beverage the outside of the glass gets covered in water. The table gets covered in rings of liquid. Your hands get all wet for no good reason.

What is the point of that? Why can't we just pour cold liquid into a glass and have it stay there? Why do we need cloths and coasters and napkins and all sorts of silly things just to mop up condensation?

We don't need it. It doesn't serve any purpose. We would all be better off if we just did away with condensation.

Literally

If there is one word in the English language that is mis-used more than any other it certainly is 'literally.'

With the possible exception of me and David Mitchell, there seems to be no one in the country capable of using the word correctly.

It's really quite simple. Literally is used when what you are saying sounds like an exaggeration but is, in fact, the truth. If, for example, I say something like "Bob has a million dollars in the bank" that sounds like an exaggeration, like I'm just saying that Bob has a good few quid put away. But if Bob actually does have $1,000,000 in his current account, I might say "Bob has literally a million dollars in the bank."

But so many people use the word incorrectly. They use literally when they mean figuratively. As in "my head literally exploded" which is clearly impossible.

Or they use it when not needed. TV chefs are the worst for this. They say things like "cook it for literally four minutes." No. Just say "cook it for four minutes." There is no need to use the word literally. No one thinks that four minutes is some sort of an exaggeration.

It's not that complicated. But I wish people would get it right. When I hear it used incorrectly, my head, literally, explodes.